One of the greatest battles I have ever needed to come face to face with is my battle with an eating disorder. It was the darkest, toughest period of my life but there is one thing I can say for sure: It is the greatest privilege of my life.
Growing up, I have never been a special child. I was average, possibly below average. I was too tall for my age and hence stuck out like a sore thumb. I was fat, I looked like a boy, I wasn’t intelligent, I wasn’t pretty and I had a head of tangled, messy and wavy hair (which I have now grown to love). I remember walking around in baggy pants and baggy tshirts all the time and I was always looking down. I didn’t want people to see my face, not with that hair!
Things started to turn around for me when I met a friend in secondary one who helped to style me up. For the first time in my life, I thought I looked pretty. I finally liked how I looked. At that time, I was training thrice a week and eating whatever I wanted without gaining too much weight. I suppose that was where my unhealthy relationship with food started. Food was to be enjoyed, but I abused it. Working out was supposd to be for keeping our bodies healthy and strong, but I used it to negate the caloric damage from my food choices.
When my competitions ended and training ceased, I started worrying about getting fat. I started to work out more often and I cleaned up my diet. Fast forward a year later, I was obsessing over calories, exercising obsessively and binged on food in the night because I felt so deprived.
I remember lacing up and going for a run at 12 midnight because I felt so fat. I remember eating a tube of oreo, icecream, 2 peanut butter sandwiches and 3 bowls of cereal in one sitting. I used to mentally calculate all the calories in my food if I ate out. I thought about the kind of oil the chef used and the amount of oil he used. I thought about the weight of my steak and the calories swimming in it. I worried that the chef would have seasoned it with high-calorie sauces. I would press my napkin on fries to remove some oil. I cried if dinner was served after 8pm. I was constantly worried and anxious about what I ate and my life revolved around numbers and more numbers.
Now, a year post recovery, I am free. I finally ate macs, something I was so afraid to touch for a good 5 years. I am happy. I gain weight because I can and I lose it because I want to. I write about eating disorders and living healthily on my blog. I dream to help people who are in the same place I was before. I am living again.
The battle with an eating disorder is a privilege to me because it has opened my eyes to a whole new world not many people can see. It’s a privilege because I am in a position where I can make a change, especially in Singapore where the awareness of eating disorders is so low. It’s a privilege because I have learnt to be sensitive to people struggling with body issues.
Now, a year post recovery, I am free. I finally ate macs, something I was so afraid to touch for a good 5 years. I am happy. I gain weight because I can and I lose it because I want to. I write about eating disorders and living healthily on my blog. I dream to help people who are in the same place I was before. I am living again.
The battle with an eating disorder is a privilege to me because it has opened my eyes to a whole new world not many people can see. It’s a privilege because I am in a position where I can make a change, especially in Singapore where the awareness of eating disorders is so low. It’s a privilege because I have learnt to be sensitive to people struggling with body issues.
“Be kind, for everyone is going through a battle.”
– Veronica
